Can’t Sleep by Les Hollon

Can’t Sleep by Les Hollon 

From my journal: Written 7 years ago (9/27/11)

Sleep came hard. For a thousand nights, from the spring of 2011 to the spring of 2014, I felt the press of questions for which I was trying to figure out the answers. Not being able to sleep was new for me. After six months of nighttime restlessness I realized that I was being “forced” by circumstances into a spiritual and leadership transformation. Something in me and about me needed to change in order to do what I needed to do.

I sensed God exposing my idols, my false assurances. My journal from 7 years ago opened with questions I felt God asking me: “Am I not enough for you? Must you trust in someone else or something else? Shift your reliance in order not to be anxious?” As God confronts me with soul shaking questions, I get centered more directly in His presence. Old forms of assurances & security melt away. My dependence on Him grows as I grow in my awareness of how I need to change as a person, and as a leader. The gap between where I am and who I am becoming, and what I need to do can only be bridged by God’s mercies which are new every morning.”

In my 2007 journal I continued, “Since late May, I have anxiously awakened in the middle of normal nighttime sleep. An unwanted ‘new normal’ is rudely breaking in. Instead of suffering further by staying in bed with vain attempts to get back to sleep, I go into another room and lay down in ‘God’s presence.’ There, new Hope typically stirs in me, as I pray, meditate, or work. I am learning to place my anxiety into God’s hands with this prayer: ‘Lord I want You. I need You. I love You. I give myself freshly to you. Have Your way with me.’ My old comforts of prestige, accolades and verifiable progress, though important, are no longer voices synonymous with God’s approval of me. They are only valuable when they are true signs of God’s good pleasure.”

Though I feel the continued need for other breakthroughs, I can look back on those 1,000 days of sleepless nights with painful gratitude.

Pastor Les